When my father passed away, before the levayah I realized that I still had some extra time. Knowing that once the aveilus began I would not be able to get a haircut, I quickly went to the barber beforehand.
A few people looked at me strangely at the time, even though I explained why I was doing it. But later, while learning the Rambam, I saw the halacha stated very clearly.
The Rambam writes:
“מאימתי יתחייב אדם באבל? משיסתם הגולל. אבל כל זמן שלא נקבר המת אינו אסור בדבר מן הדברים שהאבל אסור בהן… ומפני טעם זה רחץ דוד וסך כשמת הילד טרם שיקבר.”
— Mishneh Torah
Translation:
“From when does a person become obligated in mourning? From when the grave is sealed. But as long as the deceased has not yet been buried, he is not forbidden in the things prohibited to a mourner. And because of this, David washed and anointed himself when the child died, before the burial.”
The Rambam is teaching an important halacha: before the burial, a person is an onen, not yet an avel. The restrictions of aveilus have not yet begun. Therefore, if there is something that will soon become prohibited — bathing, shaving, haircuts, laundry, and similar things — one may do them beforehand.
The Rambam even brings the example of דוד המלך himself bathing before the burial. If David HaMelech could do so openly and appropriately, there is no reason for people to feel embarrassed or afraid to do what halacha permits.
Unfortunately, many people simply do not know this halacha. Hopefully this will help others in the future, so that if they ever face such a difficult situation, they will understand what is permitted during aninut and will not feel pressured by mistaken assumptions or social discomfort.