Hi Rabbi!
I have very much enjoyed your website and appreciate your responses.
How would you approach one’s interaction with a community or family that is much more strict in their observance of halacha? I have come to appreciate the many downsides (both philosophically and practically) of a more strict approach to Torah observance but I would like advice regarding how you would navigate a religious environment that values stringency over halacha.
Jacob Levy
It’s a little easier for me because I know the Halacha well. I’m confident in my conclusions, so I’m not intimidated when someone tells me I’m not religious enough because I don’t follow their chumrot. I can laugh it off. But most people don’t have that advantage, and arguing with those who are convinced that their stricter approach is the right one can be exhausting.
My advice is simple: Don’t fight them or try to convince them they’re wrong. Instead, understand the psychology behind this behavior. People who adopt additional stringencies often see them as signs of greater religious devotion. They take pride in doing more than required and naturally want that commitment to be recognized.
So give them that recognition. Tell them, “You’re on a much higher level than I am. I wish I could be as strict as you, but I’m just not capable of it. I have to stick to the basic Halacha. I admire your dedication.”
You may be surprised by how effective this approach can be. Once people feel that you’ve acknowledged their higher level of observance, they often no longer feel the need to lecture you or persuade you to follow their practices. You’ve defused the argument without having one.
Of course, I’m not suggesting that their chumrot actually make them better Jews. That’s a separate discussion. Nor am I suggesting that you should feel inferior because you follow the Halacha without unnecessary stringencies.
The point is that you don’t need to win every argument. You need to live according to Halacha while maintaining peaceful relationships with your family and community. Let them enjoy their chumrot, and enjoy your freedom from them. There’s no reason the two cannot coexist.
And remember, as you know, being stricter doesn’t necessarily mean being more religious. Sometimes, knowing when not to be strict requires a deeper understanding of the Torah.