Hello Rabbi,
How to approach eating at family members’ homes, such as siblings, who do not keep kosher in their home? How do you approach such a sensitive topic without compromising the halacha?
For example, if they make something kosher like salmon, can it be in their oven? Grill or barbeque? I do not want to intrude in their kitchen either.
Thank you for your guidance!
This is an important question, because it involves not only the laws of kashrut, but also the Torah obligations of treating people with dignity, preserving family relationships, and avoiding a חילול השם.
Simply deciding, “I will not eat anything,” may appear to be the safest approach, but it is not necessarily the proper one. Unnecessarily refusing food prepared by a sibling or close relative can be deeply insulting. We are not permitted to hurt or humiliate people merely in order to adopt a stricter practice regarding something that may be completely permissible.
When I was about seventeen years old, I went to Israel to study in yeshiva. My brothers did the same, perhaps at slightly different ages. My father’s mother and his six siblings—three brothers and three sisters—were living there, and none of them were religious. Before we visited them, my father carefully taught us how to conduct ourselves: how to remain kosher while still behaving like menschen and not offending our relatives.
Israel was somewhat simpler, particularly in those days, because many ordinary products were kosher. The common cheeses, for example, were generally Tnuva products. Nevertheless, the underlying principle applies anywhere: one must learn what is actually prohibited and what is merely an unnecessary stringency.
In the United States and Canada, I recommend beginning with the “Resources” section of Kashrut.org. Open the “Guide to Eating Out”, particularly the discussion entitled “The Halachic Basis for Eating in Non-Kosher Restaurants”. The practical principles for eating in a non-observant relative’s home are substantially the same as those involved in eating in an ordinary restaurant. The sections regarding kashering an Airbnb, wine, mixtures, utensils, and other related subjects will also be helpful.
It requires some effort to learn the subject properly, but that effort is worthwhile. Insulting or alienating a family member is far more serious than declining food merely because it does not meet a personal “mehadrin” standard.
In the example you gave, your relative may prepare salmon for you. A Jewish relative does not create a problem of בישול עכו״ם or פת עכו״ם. Nor does a non-observant Jew prohibit wine merely by handling it, as is explained more fully in our discussion of wine.
The central issue in the laws of mixtures and absorbed taste is whether a prohibited taste is actually present in the food. Your relatives are not likely to serve you salmon that tastes like bacon, shrimp, or some other non-kosher food. If someone intentionally did such a thing, that would be an entirely different and very disturbing situation. But that is not the normal case.
What people are generally afraid of is some invisible taste supposedly remaining in a clean pot, pan, oven, or grill. In an ordinary modern kitchen, utensils are thoroughly washed with powerful soaps and detergents. The pan used for your salmon will normally be clean. The grill will normally be brushed or cleaned before food is placed upon it. The food is not going to acquire a noticeable prohibited taste from the utensil.
Therefore, the salmon may be prepared in the oven, in a clean frying pan, or on a clean grill or barbecue. They may also prepare mashed potatoes, pasta, grilled vegetables, or similar foods. They may even make homemade pizza, provided the ingredients themselves are acceptable.
Ordinary domestic cheeses—particularly the inexpensive, mass-produced cheeses, rather than unusual imported or specialty cheeses—generally do not present the concerns that many people imagine. We have researched these products extensively. Olive oil is olive oil. Fruits and vegetables are generally acceptable. One should not assume that every individual ingredient must carry a particular supervision symbol before it can possibly be eaten.
The same applies to the exaggerated concern that is sometimes created regarding insects in produce. The obligation to inspect a particular food depends upon reliable evidence that infestation is sufficiently common. Stringent organizational rules are not themselves proof of actual infestation. This subject is also discussed separately on Kashrut.org.
Naturally, communication is helpful. You may politely explain that you eat kosher and mention any ingredients that should not be used. You can offer to bring certain items or help with the cooking, but you should not enter their home as though you are a kashrut inspector investigating their kitchen. They are your family, and they are trying to welcome you.
You must certainly keep kosher. At the same time, you must not insult people, make them feel inferior, or create the impression that religious Judaism teaches people to reject and disrespect their own families. When religious behavior causes someone to say, “If this is how religious people behave, I want no part of it,” that may become a חילול השם.
Your relatives have made their own choices regarding religious observance. That is not your business to police while visiting their home. Your responsibility is to keep your own side of the street clean: behave properly, observe the halacha, honor your relatives, respect their dignity, and be a mensch.
Please feel free to ask as many practical questions as necessary until you are comfortable with the details. However, I strongly recommend first studying the “Guide to Eating Out”, because the principles explained there will answer most of the questions that arise when eating in the home of a non-observant Jewish relative.
Thank you for your thoughtfulness and this response. I particularly appreciate the personal anecdote and find it very informative. Thank you!