The whole world dates, the yeshiva world does shidduchim with resumes and shadchanim, and everyone says the system is broken. I want to know what the Torah itself says.
1. What does halacha say about dating itself? The gemara in Kiddushin (41a) says a man cannot marry a woman until he sees her, so he does not end up disliking her. Does that mean meeting and checking attraction is not just allowed but required? And where is the line between that and just hanging out?
2. What is the Torah view of the shidduch system as it runs today, resumes, investigations, lists of questions about tablecloths? Is there any source for any of it, or did we invent a machine that has nothing to do with how people in the Torah actually met?
3. What problems does Rabbi Abadi see in how the younger generation dates today? Is the problem too much pickiness, too little meeting, too much checking of things that do not matter?
4. How much does attractiveness matter, halachically and hashkafically? The gemara sounds like it matters a lot. Is being attracted to your spouse a real halachic consideration or just a nice extra?
5. How picky should a person actually be? And what is the best way to do it, what does the Torah want the process to look like?
I think we have made this much more complicated than the Torah and Chazal ever did. The Gemara says plainly: אסור לאדם שיקדש את האשה עד שיראנה a man may not marry a woman before he sees her, because he may later find something unattractive to him and come to dislike her (Kiddushin 41a). Attraction therefore matters. It is not everything, but it is certainly not some embarrassing, superficial consideration that we are supposed to pretend does not exist. God created human beings with attraction and chemistry, and a résumé cannot tell you whether two people have either one.
Even more striking is the last Mishnah in Ta’anit. On Tu B’Av and Yom Kippur the young women of Jerusalem went out in borrowed white clothing and danced in the vineyards, and they called to the young men: בחור, שא נא עיניך וראה מה אתה בורר לך “Young man, lift up your eyes and see whom you choose for yourself.” They then reminded them not to choose on beauty alone, but to look at family and character as well. That is very different from creating a society where boys and girls of marriageable age barely encounter one another and somebody instead hands them a resume. The Mishnah doesn’t say beauty is irrelevant; it says don’t make beauty the only criterion.
I have no objection to a shadchan introducing two people, or to asking sensible questions before wasting everyone’s time. The problem is when the introduction becomes a machine: resumes, investigations, endless lists of trivial requirements, and rejecting people before they have even met. If a young man walks into a wedding with hundreds of people, normal human nature allows him to notice somebody with whom there may be some attraction or chemistry. You cannot reproduce that with a sheet of paper. In earlier societies parents often arranged marriages, but they lived in small communities where families actually knew one another, and the social structure was entirely different. Copying the form while removing that reality does not make much sense.
My preference is much more normal interaction once young men and women reach an appropriate age for marriage: invite them together for Shabbat meals, create social gatherings and singles events, and let people meet one another naturally in appropriate settings. Then, when somebody interests you, date and find out whether your personalities, values, goals and attraction fit. Don’t look for perfection. Look for somebody you like, respect, are attracted to, and can realistically build a life with. The Torah does not give us a shidduch résumé. It gives us human beings, and expects us to use some common sense.
There is a wonderful story told in the name of Rabbi Breuer, the very practical German-Jewish rabbi. When separate seating at weddings and communal events was still becoming fashionable, someone asked him whether he thought it was a good idea. His answer was brilliant in its simplicity: “It’s okay to have separate seating, just make sure the singles sit together.” Whether or not every detail of the story is historically exact, the point is exactly right. At some stage young men and women who are supposed to marry have to actually meet one another. You cannot separate them completely and then wonder why finding a spouse has become so difficult.
משנה תענית ד׳
אָמַר רַבָּן שִׁמְעוֹן בֶּן גַּמְלִיאֵל, לֹא הָיוּ יָמִים טוֹבִים לְיִשְׂרָאֵל כַּחֲמִשָּׁה עָשָׂר בְּאָב וּכְיוֹם הַכִּפּוּרִים, שֶׁבָּהֶן בְּנוֹת יְרוּשָׁלַיִם יוֹצְאוֹת בִּכְלֵי לָבָן שְׁאוּלִין, שֶׁלֹּא לְבַיֵּשׁ אֶת מִי שֶׁאֵין לוֹ. כָּל הַכֵּלִים טְעוּנִין טְבִילָה. וּבְנוֹת יְרוּשָׁלַיִם יוֹצְאוֹת וְחוֹלוֹת בַּכְּרָמִים. וּמֶה הָיוּ אוֹמְרוֹת, בָּחוּר, שָׂא נָא עֵינֶיךָ וּרְאֵה, מָה אַתָּה בוֹרֵר לָךְ. אַל תִּתֵּן עֵינֶיךָ בַנּוֹי, תֵּן עֵינֶיךָ בַמִּשְׁפָּחָה. שֶׁקֶר הַחֵן וְהֶבֶל הַיֹּפִי, אִשָּׁה יִרְאַת ה’ הִיא תִתְהַלָּל (משלי לא). וְאוֹמֵר, תְּנוּ לָהּ מִפְּרִי יָדֶיהָ, וִיהַלְלוּהָ בַשְּׁעָרִים מַעֲשֶׂיהָ. וְכֵן הוּא אוֹמֵר, צְאֶינָה וּרְאֶינָה בְּנוֹת צִיּוֹן בַּמֶּלֶךְ שְׁלֹמֹה בָּעֲטָרָה שֶׁעִטְּרָה לּוֹ אִמּוֹ בְּיוֹם חֲתֻנָּתוֹ וּבְיוֹם שִׂמְחַת לִבּוֹ (שיר השירים ג). בְּיוֹם חֲתֻנָּתוֹ, זֶה מַתַּן תּוֹרָה. וּבְיוֹם שִׂמְחַת לִבּוֹ, זֶה בִּנְיַן בֵּית הַמִּקְדָּשׁ, שֶׁיִּבָּנֶה בִמְהֵרָה בְיָמֵינוּ. אָמֵן: