Here is a response to an important question in Halachah verses mental health. It is worth a read.
In Hilchot De’ot, the Rambam writes:
“הנוקם מחברו עובר בלא תעשה… ואף על פי שאינו לוקה עליו דעה רעה היא עד מאוד. אלא ראוי לו לאדם להיות מעביר על מדותיו על כל דברי העולם שהכל אצל המבינים דברי הבל והבאי ואינן כדאי לנקום עליהם…”
“One who takes revenge on his fellow violates a negative commandment… Even though he is not lashed, it is a very bad trait. A person should overlook all worldly matters, for to those who understand, they are all nonsense and unworthy of revenge…”
The Rambam continues to describe the prohibition of netirah (bearing a grudge):
“וכן כל הנוטר לאחד מישראל עובר בלא תעשה שנאמר ‘ולא תטור את בני עמך’… אלא ימחֶה הדבר מליבו ולא יִטרֶנּוּ. שכל זמן שהוא נוטר את הדבר וזוכרו שמא יבוא לנקום. לפיכך הקפידה תורה על הנטירה עד שימחה העוון מליבו ולא יִזכרנו כלל.”
“And so, anyone who bears a grudge against another Jew violates a negative commandment, as it says: ‘You shall not bear a grudge against the children of your people’… Rather, he should erase the matter from his heart and not remember it. For as long as he bears it and remembers it, he may come to take revenge. Therefore, the Torah was strict regarding bearing a grudge — until one removes the offense from their heart and does not recall it at all.”
A friend recently asked: how can this be healthy? Isn’t it dangerous or suppressive to simply “erase” anger or pretend it isn’t there?
This is an important and legitimate question. Halachah cannot command a person not to feel hurt, insulted, or angered. Feelings are human, involuntary, and real. But Halachah can and does ask a person to work on their response to those feelings.
The Rambam is not saying: “Don’t feel anger.” He is saying: “Don’t allow that anger to rot into revenge or a grudge.”
This approach aligns beautifully with modern psychology.
Emotion Regulation, Not Suppression
Dr. James Gross of Stanford University, a leading researcher on emotional regulation, distinguishes between suppression and regulation of emotions. He writes:
“Emotion regulation involves modifying the trajectory of emotional responses, not suppressing them.”
Suppressing anger (i.e., pretending it doesn’t exist) leads to stress, resentment, and long-term harm. But regulating anger — acknowledging it, reflecting on it, and choosing how to respond — leads to healthier outcomes.
The Rambam, centuries earlier, suggests the same: Don’t deny that you were hurt. But process it, elevate your character, and let go of vengeance.
Forgiveness as Freedom
Dr. Robert Enright, a pioneer in forgiveness research, defines forgiveness as:
“A conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.”
Enright’s studies show that forgiveness improves mental health, reduces anxiety and depression, and even supports physical well-being. Sound familiar?
The Rambam says: erase the matter from your heart. Not because the other person deserves it, but because you deserve peace.
In Summary
Halachah does not tell you to stop feeling. It tells you to take what you feel and channel it toward something higher. To acknowledge pain without becoming a prisoner to it. To regulate anger and grow from it, not suppress it and implode from it. And this, remarkably, is precisely what modern psychology advises.
A Perspective Shift: Reframing Anger and Letting Go
How does one truly let go of anger or avoid holding a grudge? The Rambam and modern psychology both point to a powerful tool: perspective.
Often, we feel hurt or insulted because we see a situation from a narrow angle. But when we pause and reframe it — when we change the context or imagine the event differently — our emotional response can shift dramatically.
Imagine someone cuts you off on the highway. Your immediate reaction might be frustration or anger. But if you imagine that the driver’s wife is in labor and he’s racing to get to the hospital — suddenly, you feel understanding instead of rage. The event hasn’t changed, but your interpretation of it has.
Or consider someone throwing a shoe at you. If it’s your neighbor or coworker, it may spark offense. But if it’s your young child or grandchild playing around, it could bring laughter. Again, the action is the same — your emotional reaction shifts with the context.
Or think about a person in your community who struggles with emotional or psychological difficulties. If they say something rude or inappropriate, you’re far less likely to take it personally. But if the same words came from a trusted friend, you might feel deeply hurt. Perspective lets us filter how much weight we assign to another’s actions.
This is what the Rambam means when he calls these situations hevel — vanity, nonsense, not worth the emotional toll. He’s not telling us to suppress our emotions or deny our experience, but rather to zoom out and ask: Is this really worth my peace of mind? Is this person capable of better? Is this moment central to my life, or can I let it go?
This approach isn’t about being passive — it’s about being emotionally free. You may still make thoughtful decisions, such as setting boundaries or limiting interactions. But you can do so without clinging to resentment.
Reframing isn’t denial. It’s wisdom. And when we apply that wisdom, anger loses its grip, and we reclaim our calm, dignity, and compassion