rabbi, i want the real calculus of giving. everyone says give more, but halacha has actual numbers and an actual order, and i want to know what the torah thinks the right balance is between giving to others and keeping for myself.
1. the numbers. the gemara (kesubos 50a) says a person should not give away more than a fifth of his assets, lest he come to need people himself, and rambam (matnos aniyim 7:5) calls a fifth the best way, a tenth average, and below that a bad eye. so is the fifth a ceiling or a target? and if it is a ceiling, why does halacha cap generosity at all, doesn’t that say something deep about what i owe myself?
2. the order. chayecha kodmin (bava metzia 62a), my life comes first, and my household’s poor before my city’s poor, my city’s before another city’s (YD 251:3). does my own wellbeing count as “my poor,” or only literal survival? where on the list do i rank?
3. what tzedakah even covers. is it only the poor, or does giving to parents, to friends, to my own growth count? is money i spend becoming a person who can give more later an investment in tzedakah or just an excuse to keep?
4. the feeling test. if i give and resent it, is that giving? and if i keep and feel fine, is that keeping?
bottom line, where does halacha put the line between generosity and self neglect, in both directions?
This is an important subject, and one day I should really write a full section on Hilchot Tzedakah. For now, the first thing to understand is that the Torah does not want you to give away your money until you become the next person who needs charity. The normal benchmark is ten percent. The Rambam and Shulchan Aruch say that one-fifth is the ideal level for someone who can afford it, one-tenth is the normal level, and less than that is called an ayin ra’ah. But that entire discussion assumes that the person has the ability to give. The Rema says explicitly, פרנסת עצמו קודמת לכל אדם, your own livelihood comes before everyone else, and you are not obligated to give tzedakah until you have what you need for your own support. (Y.D. 249:1; 251:3.)
That point is extremely important today. Many people are struggling even while earning what sounds like a very good income. Taxes, housing, tuition, health insurance, children, transportation and ordinary family expenses can consume enormous amounts of money. Such a person should not feel guilty because he is not giving ten percent. Give something, according to your ability, because giving is important, but do not wreck your household in order to meet a percentage. The Gemara itself explains why Chazal said not to give away more than twenty percent: שמא יצטרך לבריות, because you may eventually need other people to support you. (Ketubot 50a.) That is not a limitation on generosity. It is part of responsible generosity. The poor need people who remain financially healthy, productive and capable of continuing to help them.
There can certainly be circumstances where someone with enormous wealth can responsibly give more than twenty percent, and there are discussions among the poskim about exceptional cases. The twenty percent rule is not telling a person with hundreds of millions of dollars that he must keep every dollar above an arbitrary percentage even though he could never possibly need it. It is a general rule designed to prevent people from giving emotionally and later creating a disaster for themselves or their families. Specific unusual cases can be discussed with someone who understands both the Halachah and the person’s actual finances.
There is also an order. You come first, then the people closest to you. Parents who need help, children, relatives, neighbors, the poor of your community, and then people farther away. The Shulchan Aruch even says that helping adult children or parents who need assistance is itself tzedakah and should take priority over strangers. Tzedakah is not limited to handing cash to a person who is completely destitute. Someone may have a job and a home and still genuinely need help with something he cannot presently afford. Torah institutions and organizations that help people can also be proper charitable causes.
And the greatest tzedakah is often not a handout at all. The Rambam says the highest level is helping someone become independent by giving him a loan, bringing him into a partnership, investing with him, or helping him find work so that he will no longer need charity. (Matnot Aniyim 10:7.) That is a tremendous principle. Sometimes helping somebody build a career or business is worth far more than giving him another check.
Finally, your feelings matter, but they do not create the law. If you gave tzedakah while resenting it, the recipient still received the money and you still did something valuable, although the Shulchan Aruch tells us to give בסבר פנים יפות, בשמחה ובטוב לבב, pleasantly and with a good heart. And if you keep money because you genuinely need it for yourself and your family, there is nothing wrong with that either.
The balance is really quite sensible. Take care of yourself and your household. Give according to what you can actually afford. Help the people closest to you first. When possible, help people become self-sufficient rather than dependent. And do not confuse destroying your own financial stability with being more righteous.