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Author:  Confused
E-mail:  not available
Date:  12/20/2005 10:16:00 PM
Subject:  re: School Crush
Message:  Dear Rabbi Abadi:

I appreciate and respect your response to this question, but your new answer brings up an even larger concern.

First, I will start by saying that my wife and I have a daughter of marriagable age. We have contacted every Shadcan that we could find in New York, Israel, Miami, and Los Angeles. Few have even returned our phone calls, and those who took the time to speak with us quickly dropped us because we have MDD [money dificient disorder] ANd our daughter has a "physical defect" in that she wears eyeglasses AND is grossly obese in that she wears a size 8 and not a size 0 or 2. Most of the Shadcans we spoke to could not consider her unless she could get lasik surgery to correct her eyesight AND diet to a size 4. Seriously.

This is not a joke. We are also Sephardic, which is considered to be a mum to a number of the Rabbis we've contacted who asked if we were Sephardic by choice or if we were born that way. No joke.

Additionally, when my daughter is asked who her Rav is, it is a Rav who is known to be a very traditional Sephardic Rabbi and she mentions that her family follows the rulings of your father.

So, at this point, we might as well have 3 heads. There is NO SHADCAN for us. So in spite of the fact that our daugher is finishing her college education before her 18th birthday, she has taken a job in a Judiaca store only so that she might meet her Basherit by "chance."

Other than that, my wife and I, who have made a number of Shidduchim ourselves over the years, are stopping virtually everyone we meet for recommendations.

We are not alone, as many of our middle class friends who have marriagable daughters the same age are desperately wondering how to marry them off when the too few Shadcans won't bother, and the newly machmir Jewish world feels it's Loshon Hara to talk about singles and against Halacha to host events where young men and young women might see and talk to each other.

So, my daughter and her friends who are between 18-25 sit and rot, while their male counterparts won't talk to a nice Jewish girl they might marry, but instead are satisfying their physical needs with gentiles (at the recommendation of too many Rabbis who urge them to do so in order to postpone marriage so that they can continue to learn!).

[Please don't respond in shock to that remark. ANY young man who is not desperate to marry by the age of 22 is sinning in one way or another, unless he has a medical problem.]

So, to circle back to the original question, how should middle class girls in this age range meet their Basherit in the absence of willing volunteer Shadcans?

Thank you again for your selfless devotion to klal Yisrael. We are ALL SO GRATEFUL TO YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY.
Reply:  This is probably one of the biggest trials of our times. I don't know what I can say to make you see things differently. Maybe, you are right. However, your daughter is not in the same situation as the post about the "crush". She is of marriageable age. Most Rabbonim would say it isn't a bad idea to meet guys that way, albeit not publicly. There is nothing wrong with a girl/guy seeing a guy/girl and telling someone to set her/him up with him/her. It was done that way, give or take, in the Bais Hamikdash.

This is one of the nightmares of parenting. Not to belittle your predicament, my father has always told us, that we should daven and wait. The shidduch will come when Hashem feels it is the right time. My father has gone as far as saying, "stop pushing so much, Hashem doesn't need your help". or "Hashem has been doing this for thousands of years, let him handle it". (both almost verbatim) (of course a little hishtadlus is required - I have no idea how much is a little)

I will not respond in shock to that remark, but I will respond in disagreement. You cannot group every guy into one group like that. Believe or not, not everyone has the same yetzer hara. There are many guys out there who can wait to get married and have no problems whatsoever. You are being a bit too negative on the system. It has its faults, but the cup is half full. It should be filled, but that is not happening yet.

To answer your last question, daven three times a day. Hashem answers the prayers of anyone who asks. And yes, the answer can be 'not yet' or 'no'. 'Harbei shluchim la'Makom'. 'There are many messengers at Hashem's disposal'. Some of us in the 'Rabbi Abadi' clan, like to say, 'at least we don't waste our children's time time going out too much. Then along comes the right one . I know, this is easier said than done.

In the words of one of the guys at the Minyan, who begged Hashem for something, 'believe me it works, try it'.

Hatzlacha - Hashem should give you strength to hang in there.


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