||In 2003 Dr. Twerski wrote book "SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIPS" (bringing control issues under control) i would like to quote a small piece:
There are children who seem to have severe behavior problems from their earliest age. There is reason to belive that these children have been born with difficult temperaments. Even if this is so, it does not mean that they are not manageable. However, raising these children requires expert guidance. Handling these children by the way a parent thinks is best may be a serious mistake.
These children may be very aggressive. They seem to be insensitive to other people's feelings and are totally self-centered. They have no control over their anger and can be violent toward their parents and siblings. They act on impulse, doing whatever they feel like doing, without any logic or reason. It is not that they are not logical, but rather that they use their logic to get what they want or to figure out how to escape punishment if they are caught. To them, what they feel like doing at the moment is the most important thing in their lives.
Being insensitive to others' feelings, these children cannot understand why their parents get so upset over what they have done. If they are punished for doing wrong, they do not regret what they have done, and they become frustrated and angry. They see punishment as an unprovoked attack against them. If they are told to do homework or clean up their room they will put it off as long as possible, and if confronted, they may manipulate, lie or throw temper tantrums. They know how to push their parents' buttons and provoke them. They know how to set one parent against the other. If the parents have seperated, they know how to put the separation to their own advantage. THEY KNOW HOW TO CONTROL THEIR PARENTS. Even the most loving parents may lose their cool with these children.
Parents may try to manage these children by punishment and deprivations. They may try to bribe them to be good. Finding that their methods are ineffective, they may try one thing after another, which results in an inconsistency which can only make matters worse.
An unmanageable child not only causes great anguish to his parents, but his behavior also effects his siblings. He is the focal point of so much of the parents' time that the other children are deprived of the attention they deserve. Perhaps worst of all, the child may grow up with antisocial behavior, resulting in self-destruction as well as harm to others.
There is only one point I wish to make here. If you have a child that fits the above description, DON'T TRY TO MANAGE HIM USING YOUR OWN RESOURCES. Even reading books on parenting may not be enough. At the first sign that the child is impulsive, self-centered and refractory to discipline, GET HELP! Find a competent child therapist and follow instructions! Don't blame the child's behavior on the other parent. In a two-parent home, both parents should go for guidance and present a united front.
With proper guidance from a competent child therapist, these children can be brought around to normal behavior.
Rabbi A.J. Twerski M.D.